Immolation
by starts-with-M
Summary: AU. Everyone has their secrets, and Nudge's are about to come back to haunt her.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Phew. Monday has been conquered. Let's celebrate, shall we?**

**So this is an AU kinda thing for my Max Ride OTP. (No, I don't mean Fax.) So just imagine this: Nevermore never happened. Max actually managed to stay with Fang ****_and _****save the world. Unfortunately, there were casualties…including Angel. Her death caused a lot of inter-flock problems, ultimately driving Dylan away. Max, Fang, Iggy, Nudge and Gazzy stayed together as the Flock, and are now living with Dr. M for the time being. Good that?**

**Enjoy the story! And please leave a review. I love to hear what you think. **

_Just do it, Nudge. It's not that hard._

Nudge bit her lip, looking at the doorknob with an amount of anxiety uncalled for by such a simple action. Her hand was already hovering above, but it cast no shadow in the darkened hallway. There was no reason to be so afraid- or at least that's what Nudge attempted to tell herself. She knew what opening the door meant. It was a symbol of finality, of permanence. It meant no going back. With that thought in mind, Nudge dropped her hand to the cool metal and pushed downward.

The door creaked only slightly in the nighttime quiet. Nudge stepped in with equal stillness. She stood for a moment, wings ruffling uncomfortably, as her eyes adjusted. Then she softly whispered, "Iggy?"

The boy in question stirred from unconsciousness, automatically responding to his name. He opened his eyes, blinking rapidly, as he tried to simultaneously wake up and place the voice.

"Nudge?" he mumbled, propping himself up on an elbow. His hair stuck up in the back, his eyes unfocused and directionless. "Whatcha doing in here?"

"I, um, couldn't sleep," Nudge said in a small voice. "Nightmare." She cast her eyes to the floor, trying to ignore the niggling thought of '_liar'. _

He didn't seem to notice. "Mm. C'mere." Iggy held a hand out in invitation, and Nudge padded across the floor to his bed. She curled up next to him, snuggling surely into the covers. His arm draped around her shoulders and she leaned into him.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No." Iggy nodded, still facing the door. Nudge focused on aligning her breaths with his, listening to the rapid _thumthumthum_ of Iggy's heart through his ribcage. She had heard that if you breathed at the same time as someone else, your heartbeats synced. Two hearts beating as one. It was a nice thought. She ruffled her feathers as she yawned. "Iggy?"

"Mm-hm," he replied sleepily.

"Thanks," Nudge told him, her own voice thick, but not with sleep. Iggy was already half-asleep again, past noticing the difference, and he couldn't see the earnestness and melancholy that filled her features.

"Always," he replied, and Nudge almost choked. Instead she closed her eyes and pressed further into his side. They fell asleep with laced limbs and matching heartbeats.

Nudge woke two hours later. She pried herself gently from Iggy's arms, doing her best not to wake him. She stood silently, and, after a moment of hesitation, leaned back down to plant a soft kiss on his cheek. She tried not to look back as she crawled through the open window and flew off into the night.

It was the hardest thing she had ever done.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Wassup? So it took me awhile to work out how I wanted this to work, and I finally decided on this weird transition-y thing to help you get Nudge's mindset before I go and dump you into the main plot. I'm trying to get myself on a schedule, so I'll try to update once every couple of weeks. It's not much, but it's realistic for me.

Here's a shout-out to all you guys who reviewed, because I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, the adorableness you all commented on disappears as of now. Sorry. It'll come back eventually. And a mega shout-out to ImDreamingTheDream for letting me know that chapter two got messed up. I actually went ahead and added that to the first chapter, so you probably want to **REREAD CHAPTER ONE**. (Capitalized and bolded for those who only skim author's notes.)

Also: I am putting an **TRIGGER WARNING** for this chapter for mentions of self harm and homicidal thoughts. The rest of the story won't be like this, but it's pretty important for the character development in this chapter. If you choose not to read, don't fret; I'll try to more subtly incorporate some of these elements in the later chapters.

* * *

><p>Nudge knew about the five stages of grief. She had been through them all many times before, as had the rest of the Flock. But nothing- no experiment, fight, not even Angel's death- left Nudge as broken as when Ella and Iggy fell for each other.<p>

The first stage was denial. Nudge stayed in this stage for a very long time. Hand-holding. _She's guiding him. _Lingering touches. _It's natural. _Kissing after they saved the world. _Everyone's_ _excited right now. _But then they announced it, that they were really, properly dating, and then there was nothing left to deny.

Anger came next. Half the time, Nudge shoved it down and hide behind a mask of chatter. But a night she would lie in bed, unable to sleep, trying to keep from bloodlust. She wouldn't, she _wouldn't_, but he was hers, and she would get him back, even if it meant shattering bones and ripping flesh. Nudge hated Ella, wanted her dead, and in a brief moment of clarity realized the solution: if one of them had to go, it could be her.

Bargaining set in as soon as she left. It was the reason she never managed to reach a destination- not that she had one in mind. Nudge warred with herself constantly, always fighting the same battle. _I could do it. Just be near him…maybe she's gone, maybe she left…what if he gets hurt, or kidnapped, and I'm not there? Who'll protect him?' _On and on, until she was sobbing and gnashing her teeth because she couldn't go back, she _couldn't, _but she needed to, she needed him, but she couldn't _couldn't COULDN'T_! And she didn't. Nudge wandered, too broken to go back. It was on her own, in the forests of Colorado, that she slipped into the fourth stage.

Depression was nothing new to Nudge. At the school she was given chemicals that left her sleepless and shaking, and the whitecoats took notes as she sank into her mind. But here there were no chemicals here that could end her frenzied thoughts, no syringe that could lift the heaviness from her chest. But there was pain, she discovered; wonderful, terrible pain that relieved the tremendous weight of her emotions. She bit her arms, pulled out her feathers, slammed her body into trees until the bark split her skin. Anything to drown the turbulence of her mind.

The fifth stage is acceptance. Nudge never reached it.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Well, here I am again. Remember how last time I said I was shooting for every two weeks? That was followed by two straight weeks of choir and school. Then, right when I was going to get back into the swing of things, my uncle died. Our families were close, so it's been rough. I'm still not pleased with this chapter, but I needed to get it out of the way so I can work on the actual plot. Longer chapters are coming, I promise. But it'd be fantastic if you guys could please **review**. You have no idea how much it motivates me to hear feedback, especially constructive criticism.

Oh! I've also made a tumblr for this profile. It's mostly so I can post sitreps on where I am for a particular story. You should check it out.

Sticking another **suicide** and **self harm trigger warning **on this page. Just in case.

.-.. .. -. . / -... .-. . .- -.- ... / .- .-. . / -... . .. -. -. / .. -.. .. - - ... / .- -. .- .. -.

_"Nudge. Nudge, can you hear me?"_

_"Hang on sweetie, we're gonna get you fixed up-"-_

_"We're not going to call anyone, I promise. It's okay, you're safe-"_

_"Those are definitely infected-"_

_"Damnit, there's internal hemorrhaging-"_

_"She needs a fasciotomy-"_

_"Blood pressure's dropping-"_

_"Nudge, sweetie, stay with us-"_

**beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.**

**Beep. **

**Beep. **

**Beep. **

_Screaming. It was so loud- he was so loud. The Match. He screamed, screamed, because his mate was being hurt, shocked over and over, and she screamed too. So loud. So loud. Nudge was scared. His mate was hurt. Nothing was worse. Nothing. And they could do it to her- they could, they would-_

"Never disobey, Monique. This is what happens when you disobey. This is what will happen if you tell."

_No. No, she wouldn't tell, she wouldn't, don't hurt him, don't hurt him please stop the pain please make it stop-_

**Beep.**

**Beep.**

**Beep.**

_Nudge was strapped down. She couldn't move, and there was a whitecoat- no, no please, please don't, she didn't tell him, she never told-_

"It's alright, we're not going to hurt you, just try to stay calm-"

_No no no no please she never told she'll never tell don't shock him not again don't make her watch please don't please ow ow ow_

**Beep.**

**Beep. **

**Beep.**

_They had him. They had him, they were going to hurt him, oh God please NO-_

_His back arced._

_Nudge screamed. _

You failed, Monique. You shouldn't have left.

_Scream. _

You should've killed her. You should've stayed with him.

_Scream. _

You deserve every bruise you've given yourself.

_Scream. _

You deserve to die.

_No NO she knew it was her fault leave him be she knew she failed NO leave him leave him it was her fault she was going to die just leave him oh God PLEASE LEAVE HIM _

_He screamed, this time. _

_She said to LEAVE HIM IT DIDN'T MATTER IF IT WAS HER FAULT SHE WOULD TEAR YOU APART PIECE BY PIECE IF YOU SO MUCH AS TOUCH HIM SHE WOULD MURDER YOU ALL IF YOU DIDN'T LEAVE HIM BE _LEAVE HIM BE

**Beep.**

**Beep.**

**Beep.**


End file.
